


I Was Here

by SympatheticMemories



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Abuse, Crying, Death, Depression, Eating Disorder, Family, Hate, Last words, Other, Roxas - Freeform, Sad, Sexual Abuse, Suicide, Tears, his note, kingdom hearts - Freeform, my life story, note, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-08-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 04:06:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SympatheticMemories/pseuds/SympatheticMemories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxas is done, done with everything; even living. We read the last words of a broken boy, When Roxas spills out his story will you be there to listen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Here

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is owned by Square Enix
> 
> Sorry for the annoying paragraph lengths, and its pretty depressing but its how I write, so umm enjoy?
> 
> This entire story is true up to the point of the written letter.

I enter my room throwing my backpack to the floor and I grab my notebook and start to write; it has just been too much I have finally reached my limit and I can't take anymore. So before I go I want to share my story:

My name is Roxas Hikari Strife and there is nothing left for me.

All of my family, friends everything that used to matter is gone. Well technically they aren't gone they are all still here and nothing has happened to them. It's me that is gone, everything I cared about is lost in a mass of hate and disappointment and frustration all pointed towards myself. I have caused this to happen and nobody can change it.

I could say I had been dealt a bad hand of cards for my life, but that is just an excuse everyone has bad things happen to them some worst then others. But I can say where it started, It all started with Zack. I was 8 when it started, I can remember those years better then yesterday now it seems the whispers and promises the way Zack tell stories in a way that totally captured my attention so I wouldn't notice the hands sliding up my thighs. One of Zack stories would be how he ran a little massage shop for teenage girls, while he massaged me wanting to demonstrate his technique. He also liked to tell me all the girls he had sex with, Today I don't get why I believed him we lived in a town with a population of under 200 and he only 14 not old enough to be doing stuff like that with were we lived.

I can also remember how he always wanted to play but he only wanted to play house. The version where I was the mommy he was the daddy and Sora, my 5 year old brother was our son. Zack always sent Sora out of the basement where we played to go collect sticks or something he said he wanted to make another sibling with mommy. He always made sure we were spooning on the bed down there, he was the big spoon and I was the little. I can clearly remember the day I asked about something poking into my back while we laid there, that's when I first learned what a boner was he told me what it was why it happened he even grabbed my hand so I would touch it. When we weren't in my basement we were in the old shack behind Zack's house, it was filled with a queen bed and several couches perfect for Zack's purposes.

The worst thing was how nobody noticed, it happened every day I spent at my dad's and I was there a lot since Tifa and Cloud were always busy with Xion and Kairi at their house. My dad was never home leaving Zack nothing to fear about being caught, it took years before my mom actually got the truth out of me.

I stopped writing, set my notebook down and curled up it was over, I knew that it had been over for almost 4 years. I know that he can't get me anymore but all I can imagine is somehow seeing him again, talking to him and having it happen all over again. I straightened out my legs and grabbed my notebook, I needed to finish this.

When Zack wasn't there I was alone, well alone with Sora. Leon was always gone at work or out partying in a town over half an hour away, we had no way to contact anybody our neighbors were just Zack and the old couple who shot our animals when they wandered into his yard. We would spend days home alone from the time I was 7 and Sora only to 4 till I was 10 and Sora was 7. Leon expected us to keep the house clean, I had to do laundry in our leaking basement, hand wash the dishes, vacuum the house, mop the bathroom, make the beds and cook the meals. The only thing Leon did was mow, after me and Sora picked up all the sticks in the yard first.

Cooking wasn't that hard…there wasn't really anything to cook just cereal and bologna sandwiches and occasional cinnamon toast. When Leon was home he feed his snakes and spiders, and then settled on the couch to watch R rated movies till it was time to leave again. One time when I was 8 my dad gave me 10$ and told me to walk across town to buy breakfast, so I did I walked across the entire town and back just so Leon could get his precious donut's.

Then Leon met Aerith got her pregnant and moved her in, into my bedroom. I got moved into Sora's room where I was to keep all my belongings in the top drawer of the bedside table. Then the bitch, oops pardon my French, Aerith had her baby since Cloud was gone she was the head of the house. She locked me and Sora into are room and threatened us, we could never make noise, never use any of the electronics in the house and trying to be sneaky to try and get food was horrible. Thankfully she dumped Leon when he lost his job and devoted his life World of Warcraft. That was the last time I saw my smallest sister, it has been about 3 years since then.

After we got evicted from the house Leon moved in with his mom, which also included her husband Leon's brother and wife, the wife's 2 kids and later their 2 kids. See there were 3 cabins built of rocks in a row with 2 rooms and a bathroom apiece, and a low old bar stuffed with junk in front of them. My family of 3 got one room to live in, and it was smaller than my bedroom from before. Sora shared Leon's bed while I slept on a dog's bed, which the old disgusting dog still used. Our room was packed there was no room to move any open space was filled with trash, dirty dishes, dirty clothes and there was cat crap everywhere. They actually found a dead cat under Leon's bed that had been decomposing there for several months one time. The bathroom was constantly flooded with sewage, and then a giant hole got put into the floor. Leon spent all his time playing WoW, even during the winter when a draft carried through the holes in the door and windows; I had to put up plastic sheets over them to help keep the chill out. It didn't really work since there was no heat or air conditioning in the house. We had 1 space heater but Leon placed it by his feet, so me and Sora hung sheets over the already plastic covered windows then wrapped ourselves into blankets hopping to not get frostbitten. It was some of the worst snow our state had seen in a while, piling up past our knees and causing for 2 dozen snow days.

Even though we had moved I still had to face my sexual abuse, my cousins were extremely perverted always talking about screwing chicks and one of them would even start to masturbate in front of me. I just couldn't get away from what happened to me… I am just glad Zack never went so against me to actually rape me. The worst of living there though was the arguing. It never stopped my aunt was stealing pills from the grandparents, she was never home, she would leave for days and spend all the money which we were seriously lacking in, her house was even dirtier than ours and two of her kids were below 3, she never took care of them leaving them at my Momo's (grandma) house for her to watch. Only 1 person worked at the house, so there was almost no food, sometimes I would only eat a pack of saltine crackers the entire weekend. It wasn't a way to support 11 people, all their pets and the home.

I remember the day my aunt exploded at me; I had told her that my cousin had spilt some paint on the stairs. She just shot off yelling at me to get off my lazy ass and clean she didn't spend all this money for me to waste it, all I did was fuck the home and make a mess she had to clean up. I was actually bust cleaning when she yelled at me, it was all I did there, but it still stung and made me feel horrible just like the time when I got slapped for yelling at my brother. I think living here is what made me such a clean freak, I keep things clean where I live now everything has a place and nothing can be out of place or my chest hurts and my fingers shake. Whenever I am left alone I clean, it stops me from thinking, because when I think nothing good comes out of it. My dad got a job at Wal-Mart but we still got kicked out of that house too, so my dad went to live in his friend's basement.

My hand started to cramp I set down my pen and climbed off my bed. I crept upstairs to grab myself a glass of coffee and pop some popcorn, snacks in hand I snuck back downstairs quickly shut the door behind me and locked it before cracking my knuckles to settle down and write down my last testament.

In ways living in the basement was worse than the cabin, we had one small room for all of our stuff smaller then the last one it contained: 1 twin bed, 2 dressers, 1 mini fridge, and 1 box with a bunch of random stuff in it. My father hanged his shirts from the ceiling and I lived out of my suitcase. My dad got the bed of course which he shared with Sora. I slept on the floor in the main room of the basement, the owners entertainment room, the only problems were the floor was concrete, the walls were thin and had holes in them, and yet again no heat or air conditioning. Leon was gone at work most of the time again, and we still had little food….like just some random junk food little. I didn't bother to clean anymore so we used blankets and sheets that when touched made you feel like you hadn't washed in days. Which is kinds funny now since we didn't really shower that much, there was no point when we were holed up in the basement surrounded by filth. No I spent my time playing World of Warcraft, the game that caused my dad to become the slacker he is. I would sometimes play 10-18 hour's straight nothing to bother me besides when Sora was there and he wanted to play too. There was a TV. for a little bit a big old flat screen with crappy picture quality. It was there I spent New Year's 2010, curled up in a blanket against the cold, watching the news by myself tears streaming down my face as I whispered "Happy New Year's…Roxas." To myself before I broke down, Leon was at work, Sora was at his mom's house and Tifa and Cloud were throwing a party at their mom's house.

The best memory I have of the place was when I brought the lighter that Xion had given me over there, I showed Sora and his face light up like the sun. He ran into the bedroom grabbed Leon's cologne and then ran into the laundry room while ushering me inside. The first thing we did was spray the cologne and light it on fire in the air when it actually worked me and Sora smiled wide with evil intent in our eyes. Sora then proceeded to dump out half the cologne on the floor while I graciously light it on fire we sat there just staring at the fire until it winked out. Sora wanted to continue to light it on fire but I knew we had to stop or we would use all of Leon's cologne, and Leon would not be happy. While he was putting the cologne away I got on the computer idly playing with my lighter, when an idea formed in my head. I called Sora over and told him my idea he was really excited to see what would happen. I had long fingernails, I mean over the skin girl long since I never cut them. I stuck out my left thumb and with the lighter grasped in my right hand I flicked the switch and stuck it under the nail. At first it didn't hurt and being the stupid kid I was I decided to move it closer to my skin, that's when it burned I shouted and dropped the lighter; my entire fingernail was black from the flame and I had burnt my thumb. Tears in my eye's I popped the thumb into my mouth to cool it off. When it happened I thought it was terrible it hurt to use the keyboard for weeks but now looking back it was just a really fun experience with my brother.

My dad got kicked out of that house in the summer or 2011 and he moved across the state…into his dad's home. I hated my grandpa; he had beaten my favorite grandmother, stolen all the family money and had attempted to kill my dad (and the rest of my aunts and uncles not to mention my grandma) several times. But that was the past no matter how much it bothered me I couldn't change any of that. I was just stuck with rules, no playing around, no rough-housing, no running, no loud voices, no noise after 8 p.m. I had nothing to do there, I slept curled into a ball on the edge of my father's bed and passed the day away with boredom. They had another room with a bed but NOOOO that room was for Terry's (grandpa) wife to use to do her hair and makeup in the morning like she didn't already have a giant bathroom to herself. My dad still lives there, even as I am writing this. All I can hope for is that he will get out of there sometime soon because I will not go over there again; I am doing playing nice with my parents.

During my time I spent with Zack I learned how food can help settle those emotions that brought turmoil to me. I ate a lot during those years I went from being a little skinny blonde haired child to a fat nerd. My oldest step-sister Kairi was in and out of hospitals for depression and anorexia when I spent all that time at my dad's. Naturally all the attention was on her, that meant nobody noticed the changes in me or see the signs of my abuse, I was pretty much ignored as a child but I think that's what helped me build such a grand imagination, playing with my brother for hours on end with extravagant new worlds and life's running through my head.

When I entered 7th grade I wore baggy shirts and giant jeans I had thick black glasses and my hair was a mess. I noticed how big and disgusting I was getting and that is when I decided to take charge, I ate better and worked out at our local Wilson's. I dropped a lot of weight really fast but it was too late the switch had been pulled. 8th grade was the year it all went down. Every person I passed I could just see how much skinnier then me, It was easy to tell. I had gotten contacts bought much better looking (and fitting) clothes and my hair no longer looked like a boom exploded on my head. I passed people saw how my face was rounder, their legs were skinnier and how their stomachs didn't protrude so much. This is when I made the decision to stop eating.

I knew all about anorexia, how you can lose up to 25% of your body fat, the furrish hair that started to grow on your arms of you got to skinny. I made a goal; just stop eating to where there was a gap between my thighs…a noticeable gap. When I first started it was really easy, I could just say "Nope I'm not going to eat that, you don't need that." This caused the slip-ups I would start eating without myself even noticing. That is when the voices started, well my voice started. "Your just a pathetic fat ass, you will never be good enough for anything your just a waste of space, of time, and money. No one will ever like you, you have nothing special about you, nothing at all no qualities, no features, nothing. " "Your nothing, not not even nothing that implies being a thing and you're not good enough for that." "You deserve to feel pain, to be this fucked up like you could ever come out different your just a screw up. I mean your parents even admitted you were a mistake that you happened just because your mom forgot to take the pill for 1 day. How could you ever think that you were anything you stupid fat bitch, people just pretend to like you, they only stay around you to use you, what for I couldn't say since you have nothing to offer. Why don't you do everybody a favor and get rid of yourself?"

I ate less and less, if I ate more then I previously set I would punish myself through workouts or taking out even more food. I wanted to eat less than 1 meal a day, less than 300 calories a day, but it didn't always work out like that. I often went to bed whispering to myself how worthless, pathetic, useless, and weak I was, I mean I wasn't even strong enough to take out the garbage-meaning me. I worked out in my bedroom since my parents cancelled the gym membership, the pounds dropped off fast and true but no matter how many fell off it wasn't enough for me anymore. I could never lose enough, not till when I went on that scale and it read 0. I got dizzy spells, when I stood up my world went black and I could barely stand up. My midsection was always in pain asking for food, but whenever I forced food down it protested and wanted me to throw it back up. I wish I was bulimic it would have been so much easier, eating whenever and whatever I wanted just to throw it up so I wouldn't have to worry about growing fat. Being anorexic was just so much harder, I got to the point where I tried to eat more again but once you awaken the monster there is no putting it back to sleep. My hunger would never leave me, I was stuck with it the void invading me wrenching itself like a knife in my gut. I wanted it all to end, all the feelings and pressure I had toward myself but I was too weak to put a finger down my throat how could I ever kill myself?

The slam of a door shook my from my thoughts I looked over at my clock 11:08 pm my parents were going to bed. I would have to finish this up soon.

Things could have been better, but Zexion my best friend had gotten a new friend-Demyx, Demyx had completely replaced me I could tell. They did everything together even going across the state to conventions. My other best friend Axel was no longer around he had gone to a new school and with it a new life, he barley talked to me anymore and I saw him but once every couple of months. I had other friends but there weren't like my best-friends they didn't get me and they hadn't known me as long, I mean I had been best-friends with Zexion since I was in 5th grade! I just pull myself day to day pretending to smile and be happy, but I am filled with hate, hate for myself. It's what dominates my mind it's what pops up anytime I think. I have given plenty of hints to my friends I have made it blatantly obvious to them, while still hiding it. I even tried to drop hints to my parents but they just say I'm being a little whiny bitch and a smart ass and that they don't even want to talk to me. I guess what I want to say is; I'm Done this is where the trail ends for me. It's time to wander off the beaten path. So I have no other way to end this story then Goodbye.

I shut the notebook with a shaking hand and slid down to the floor; my chest hurts it has tightened on itself and my breathing becomes ragged. I want to cry but the tears won't come they just won't come. My stomach coils in on itself like a snake ready to strike, I curl into a ball and still shaking I start to rock back and forth whispering to myself all the horrible thoughts that enter into my head about myself. I tell myself my story and how much of a waste I am till my voice goes numb. I forced myself up on shaky feet grabbed the notebook and ripped a blank page out to write the note I knew I have been waiting weeks to write:

Dear Friends and Family,

It wasn't your fault; I need you to remember that. I know you probably won't care anyways and I'm sorry for the nuisance my death will cause you at home. I thought I should let you know that I am done; I can't take being here any longer. I tried I did but trying to feel is terrible, having feelings hurt they rip me from the inside out it is much easier to let them go. I can pretend to be happy, healthy, sane, and normal but it's eating me to pieces and I fear there won't be much of me left before long. I am just a hateful being; all I can feel is hate towards myself. I love all of you even if you don't love me. I have a notebook laying on my bed it should answer any questions you have.

Goodbye with all of my heart,

Roxas Hikari Strife

P.S. I want Axel and Zexion to read this too.

P.P.S. Don't pray to god for me, I don't believe in him.

I leave put the note on top of the notebook and turn to my ferret I kiss him goodbye and hope my family will take good care of him. I put on my favorite outfit, brush my hair then spin in a slow circle saying my silent goodbyes to everything in my room; the comfortable bed, the posters and random objects hanging from my walls, the pictures my friends drew me, everything. I look at the clock 1:13 am, it time to leave. I exit the room and creep through my house saying goodbye to every room I pass, when I reach the front door I say my last goodbye then run. I run for hours clear across town to the old bell tower, where I stop to catch my breath before buying a sea slat ice cream and heading up the stairs one last time. When I reach the time the pressure on my chest is too much to even stand, I sit down with my legs dangling over the edge and watch the sun rise. The sun is beautiful all the pinks, purples reds and yellows painting a masterpiece in the sky I finish my sea salt ice cream and stand up-then fall back down. This time I slowly get up the weight of what I am about to do trying to tie me to the ground. I stand on the ledge and look down across the town, remembering early mornings and late nights, trips with friends and shopping excursions with family. When I finally pull my head back up the sun is completely up, I take a deep breath it's now or never. I whisper to the world "Goodbye I will be free soon." And I take a step forward.

I fall like a rag doll, plummeting down to the ground the wind whipping past, tearing at my clothes as if to say; "You stupid idiot! Why would you do that you still had a life to live!" But I was free, the pressure was gone the hate and hunger was gone all I felt was joy. I twisted my body so I faced the sky and a smile spilled itself onto my face. This world was beautiful and I was finally free, FREE, and that knowledge made me the happiest I have ever been. The last thing I saw was the bright yellow sun shining down on me from a sky as blue the ocean over my favorite place on this planet Earth.

I was Here, just remember that.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment it would be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading now go do something cheerful~


End file.
